life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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