If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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