I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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