just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
