We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
If I die, sorry about rent.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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