I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
