Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
