Will you blow on my dice?
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
