im about as happy as oj after his trial
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
