I CAN MOONWALK!
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize