so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
