Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
