Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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