tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
