I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
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