i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
