So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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