how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"