The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.