i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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