we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
