He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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