the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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