They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I need to align my fucking chakras
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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