I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
