I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
