What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
