yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
