my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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