you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
