At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
