I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
