dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
