So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
