I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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