I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
