someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
