tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
