Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
