Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
