you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
