this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
