allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
