im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
