fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
