You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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