she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
