I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
