i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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