Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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