Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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