I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
