i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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