Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
